Tempt not a desperate man.
I reeeaaaally want this to be my last surgery, but I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t ever be sure of anything. It’s sad, but until I get to the point where I actually stay in the clear for a while, some part of me has to always be prepared for another fucking problem.
That being said….. I’m ready. Take your pound of flesh. Give me pills. Rebuild my leg. Get me walking. And then I can leave New York forever. The bad memories here are eyeball deep.
Thank God! Jameis Winston didn’t get charged! Now college kids will win at football! And Winston can make a guaranteed 8 figures and be richer than most of us can imagine! What a glorious day for people who are good at running and jumping and throwing balls at each other!
Oh yeah, and I guess there’s some chick who dropped out of college after reporting the alleged rape to the police on the very night of the incident… But we probably won’t here from her again.
Go football! Let’s win a national championship! College rules! Hooray sports! Fuck everything else! Thank you justice system for letting us keep our QB! That’s what you’re there for: TO KEEP OUR ATHLETES ON THE FIELD!
Moving day-by-day towards my 6th surgery after my 2nd cancer diagnosis. Some part of me feels like it’s gotten a lot easier, and I’m definitely more casual about any medical procedure that I go through (I think all cancer veterans have that in common to some degree).
That being said, it’s not always natural. I’m taking steps to prepare myself. Limiting any extra stress, while adding lots of music, meditation, and general head-space time.
I’m going to make it a point to do this at least every other day: pop on my expensive ass mahogany headphones in pitch black darkness, put on something nice and long (good time to get the turntable fired up), and take the time to ensure that my mind and my heart are empty and rectified.
If there’s anything wrong deep inside of me, then I’m sure the music will pull it out. This is the kind of preparation they don’t tell you about at the doctor’s office, but anybody that’s in touch with their soul should know how to brace for spiritual impact. Those of us with zero religious ties have to rely on different methods to make sense of our humanity, especially when things are going awry.
I’m dedicated to beating cancer. I’m dedicated to getting my life back. But more than either of those, I’m dedicated to being myself. I’ve gone through all of this without falling on my knees and praying to my ceiling fan, and I’ve done it since I was a teenager. If that sort of thing satisfies other people, then I implore you to go all out and take comfort in that. But in my humble opinion, it’s a greater feat of strength to get in touch with your spirituality and inner self during times of hardship and strife.
That’s not to say that it’s some kind of a contest. Survival is step one. I’m just saying there’s more to your health than what your body goes through. There’s peace to be found all over this world, and I have full respect for those who grasp it from any source possible. Congratulations; it’s not an easy thing to find. But those of us who consistently find peace within ourselves are reaping rewards that (again, in my opinion) tie us to humanity in a very special way.
In the 11 years since my first diagnosis with this disease, I’ve never once wavered in those beliefs. I’m of the opinion that many human beings do not believe in themselves as much as they should. You don’t have to throw yourself into spiritual limbo at the first sign of trouble; running out and trying 6 different religions looking for answers while you or someone you love is suffering through a disease, or a loss, or any other trying situation. What would you be without a god? Would you still be okay? Would you be able to spiritually guide yourself through the toughest situations in life?
Yes. Yes, you fucking would. Because you must. Because you’re alive, and your core human instincts are screaming at you, telling you how lucky you are just to be here. Just shut the fuck up and listen for a few minutes, and you’ll discover that everything you need is right there within you. You’re so much more adaptable than you might ever think possible. Human beings have the potential to be fucking amazing. And if some stranger on Tumblr pecking away at his keyboard at nearly 4AM believes in you that much… well… you get the idea.
I’m in the mood to become emotionally exhausted tonight. It’s probably a bad idea for me, but the heart wants what the heart wants.