It’s time to make this official while I have an hour to spare; I’m done with Tumblr. I’m now 100% sure that I cannot write what I want to write from my current perspective as someone who’s still living in it. Too many times I’ve told myself “I need to find the right way to say everything I want to say,” and it’s time to accept the fact that Tumblr isn’t the proper vehicle. Despite that fact, I have no regrets. This blog helped me get a lot of nasty stuff out of my system, and I got to know some people who share very unique kinships with each other and myself. It was all worth it.
I wanted write one last update to say thank you to all my followers (especially those who actually took the time to get to know me directly on some level), let everybody know what I’ve been up to and where I’m going, and put the proper kibosh on this thang.
So I believe I already mentioned that I’m not going to be moving away from New York, and that I’ve decided to go to school. That all panned out quite well. I’ve finally regained a degree of independence, after moving into an apartment with my cousin and one other (great) roommate in July. No more staring at apple orchards and farm tractors from the living room of my mother’s house. I live in one of the nicest neighborhoods in Rochester, and the deal I’m getting on this place is unbeatable.
Regarding school: I didn’t qualify for the Radiologic Technology program that I was aiming for because my previous bachelors degree was just way too unrelated. No big deal. I started classes on Tuesday to complete 4 prerequisites that should qualify me for their Rad Tech program, barring grades. I’m looking at a 3 year process here, but I’ve come to accept that I probably need that time to get the rest of my life (physical, financial, amongst other things) in some sort of order in the aftermath of cancer/amputation. I spent the week crutching around campus and I honestly dig it. I’ve already met a shitload of cool people, and I’m not even close to being the oldest person in any of my classes…. not that I gave a fuck anyways.
Regarding my leg: I wasn’t really able to use the thing on a regular basis until late July. However, things got really good after that. I was able to push myself pretty hard right off the bat, and my entire body was getting stronger, which isn’t a fun process… but hey, that’s what it takes. I’m still sorta re-starting everything again, and school has put quite the wrench in my rehab schedule, but I’m feeling very good about my direction. Despite the fact that I haven’t walked for most of this week, my body is sore as all hell from the huge distances I’ve been crutching around campus. Perhaps a good strategy will be to get the rest of my body into a better place before focusing on the prosthesis. In 4 days I’ve already lost a bit of weight, felt my cardio get pushed, and pushed the limits of my back and leg muscles. It feels like something I’ve needed for a while, so I’ll be playing that by ear throughout the semester.
Regarding my writing: A blog isn’t going to cut it. I’ve decided to write a book. I want one, big, concrete theme to resonate throughout a series of distinct chapters that a person can sit and ingest in a few sittings. I want people to come looking for something specific, find that thing, discover tons of other weird fucked up shit that they didn’t expect, and have that new perspective live in their head for the rest of their life. Tumblr’s the wrong place for that. People are here to laugh, reinforce their common interests/fandoms in their respective circles, see/show tits, and find innovative ways to communicate via gif. I’ve come to appreciate all those things, but it’s just not what I came here to do.
And so we say goodbye. I’m not taking anything down in the hopes that some people might be looking for exactly the kind of things I’ve written to help them out a bit. All that I can hope for is that I was able to help some people cope with whatever they might be going through, be it cancer, amputation, or something completely superficial/unrelated. Again, thank you to the nearly 700 of you that clicked follow over the past couple of years, even those that clicked unfollow later on. An even bigger thank you to those who reached out and got to know me. It’s not like I’m being wiped off the face of the Earth or something. I know most of y’all are voyeurs and lurkers, but there’s plenty of ways to contact me for those who aren’t. My Skype and Kik are always open for an IM, and there’s also Facebook for those of you who prefer to stalk me from an angle where I can actually see who you are. I invite anybody to reach out if you’re ever inspired/drunk enough to do so.
Now let’s kill this blog with the dignity it deserves. Stay classy, Tumblr.
**COMENSE FINAL GIF BOMB**
So nothing terrible has happened, and I’m obviously not dead or anything. Most of my family in the Philippines is on the cusp of homelessness right now, so I’ve been trying to help with that…. amongst other familial drama.
And, as far as the pertinent stuff is concerned… I still don’t have my goddamn leg. Yep… I have no prosthesis, and I haven’t walked for 8 months now. Whoopee.
Not exactly worth writing home about. And even if it were, it’s not something to be inspired by.
I’m okay. I’m alive. I’m trying ever-so-hard to turn the page to the next chapter of my life, but it’s resisting me and I’m growing exhausted.
I dunno what I’m trying to accomplish here, except for the fact that there’s a fistful of people who actually give a shit about me and only have Tumblr to peak in on my life.
Like I said, I’m not dead.
But, I’m not great either.
So I’m the same, ultimately.
And that’s that.
You’ll know whenever it changes, because my heart will start thumping and I’ll begin writing like there’s nothing else in the world that matters.
I have to see my surgeon in 12 hours.
She’s a babe.
And I’m basically like…. in heat.
And forget being a babe, she’s all like… successful and strong and smart and saved my life and stuff.
Note to self: don’t see surgeon in May. It’s a liiiittle too overwhelming.
I have to take sleep aids. Why? Not because of stress. But because it’s spring time and sometimes jacking off at 2am isn’t enough to knock me into slumber.
It’s a frustrating time of year.
Melatonin, and in emergencies,
Benedryl. That’s what it takes to overcome this.
I thought that I was horny, and then the calendar turns over to May and I learn what real horniness is all over again.
The snow melts, the grass turns vivid green, trees and flowers begin to bud, and those of us who have nobody to fuck start losing our minds and touching ourselves like we’re digging for gold below our waistbands.
The farther North you live, the more you probably understand what I’m talking about. Spring is basically horny season. And those of us who are already horny to begin with…. well…. our hearts are racing for what seems like no reason at all.
Well… there’s a reason. We’re supposed to wake up next to whomever we fucked the night before, but instead we’re spooning a pillow. There’s some sort of primal breeding gene for the human race that kicks in during springtime.
No, pillow, you don’t cut it like you did in the winter. Sure, dream-spooning got me through the frigid months… but spring? Spring is the time of year where pretending no longer satisfies. Something is driving me to fuck before I fall asleep, fuck again first thing in the morning, and then spend the rest of the day rebuilding my energy in between fucks. And when that’s not happening, it feels like someone is squeezing your head and pulling on your hair all day long.
Yep…… that’s basically Springtime. Mother nature goes through this epic metamorphosis, but I never see it because I’m busy jerking off until Summer arrives…. at which point, I can settle back down to regular horny once again.